'Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.'
David W. Augsburger
We created a modest fire pit in our garden, to make it more enjoyable being outside during the cold winter days. The kids love to play and be outside, and this was a well received addition. The process of collecting kindling, setting up the fire was all a joy, and sitting together by the fire, with not much else to do apart from observing the dancing flames, created a space that we are not usually accustomed to in our busy lives.
What unfolded with my daughter in these moments of stillness was much deeper and profound than I had expected. As we sat there, side by side, both with a focus on the same natural wonder, the closeness and intimacy of our conversation, unfolded like a beautiful flower unraveling its delicate petals. I let the conversation be steered by the curiosity and innocence of the 12 year old mind, as she opened up about things that we may have never touched upon had this situation of space not been created. It was in that moment of peacefulness, love and presence that my daughter opened up, and spoke with me, heart to heart.
That experience was a reminder for me that in order to become reconnected with our children, we need to purposefully disentangle from the stresses and demands that life can put on us, to create space for connection.As Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld wrote in their wonderful book 'Hold On to Your Kids':
'We need to make it as easy as possible for them to share, and remember that our primary objective is not to correct them or to teach them but to connect with them.'
Parents bonding and creating attachment with children is the process of forging a closeness and intimacy that is difficult to be rivaled by their peer group. Even though children may become very close with their peers it is not often that they share their deep, heartfelt emotions with them. This is usually reserved for those adults close and trusted by the child, usually the parent. We need to embrace and seize every opportunity we are given to strengthen and nurture those loving bonds of attachment with our children.
It is love and connection that is the essence of life. We like to believe that it is the complexities, and everyday stresses that are the 'real' parts of life, but in that moment with my own daughter I realised that it is those spaces in between all the stress, that true life lies. In the moments of love, in the moments of sharing, compassion, and connection. It is not the myriad other activities that we do with our children that actually matter. We can get caught in the trap of moving from one thing to another, activity after activity, filling their lives with things that society upholds as being valuable in some way. And this can often be at the expense of creating a true connection with your child, because connection arises out of shared activities and moments of stillness.
It is imperative to emphasise the importance of the intimate parent-child connection. In fact, it could be argued that the most important thing to nurture and protect on our parenting journey is this connection. Without this connection and attachment, the relationship is diminished and neither the child or the parent can enjoy the true joy that springs from the formation of loving attachment. The relationship then deteriorates into one of practicality, devoid of the depth of emotions of love, connection, security and trust.One very important way for a child to grow believing that their voice matters in this world is to have a significant adult such as a parent or carer who listens.
How do you connect with your children? Is it through shared activities, walks in nature, camping, or simply during chores or other mundane daily activities. How do you engage with the minds of your kids, and allow their emotions, feelings, and inner thoughts to be shared with you?
Affiliate link to the book:
'Hold On to Your Kids'
Mate & Neufeld
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