The environment in which we now exist is so foreign to the biological expectations that we are embedded with genetically as babies. The exponential change that we have experienced, most particularly post-industrialisation, has been of such magnitude, that we are now experiencing a situation in which our instinctive reaction to how to raise children, is no longer at peace with societal expectations and obligations. In fact, the rate of change in our society has been so rapid that even the environment in which we grew up as children is significantly different to the one we experience as adults. The same will hold true for our own offspring, but to an even greater degree.
We can ask ourselves, why does all this matter? Can’t we just adopt changes to the way in which we experience pregnancy, birth and parenting to match the demands of our modern society? It is tempting and expedient to believe this is possible, but from the theory of evolutionary biology it may not be the case. Jean Liedloff, in her book The Continuum Concept - In Search of Happiness Lost, addresses the idea of an innate set of biological expectations that humans are genetically designed to experience during childhood. One could also argue that these biological expectations are also present during time in utero and during the birthing process.
The most fundamental biological expectations of a child include:
The baby being placed on the mother after birth, skin-to-skin
Carrying and physical contact – in the first year the mother plays a very important role with this
The child being responded to when in need
The child sleeping in close proximity with the mother, ideally in a safe co-sleeping arrangement
Breastfeeding (when possible), when the child requires feeding as opposed to a schedule. In the case where breastfeeding is not possible, bottle feeding as per the babies demand
These expectations are inbuilt, strongly felt, and if are not experienced can endanger the healthy continuum that is necessary to build physically, psychologically and spiritually sound adults. If these biological expectations are not met, one of the profound repercussions can be that ‘happiness ceases to be a normal condition of being alive, and becomes a goal.’[1]
The effect that a denial of the biological expectations has on the child is one aspect of the problem. The other aspect is that when we live in a society that collectively embraces this approach, we effectively create a chasm or disconnect from our innate knowledge of how to raise our children. We deny ourselves access to our inner wisdom of the things that do not change – the things that remain eternally true. And we do this as a desperate approach to trying to be socially compatible with a society that is pathological on many levels.
As Jiddu Krishnamurti said ‘It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.’
In our desperation to conform with the expectations of a society which on many levels can be described as profoundly sick, not only in its general aspirations but also on an environmental level, we have found ourselves as parents denying our children of the very thing that makes them human – their biological expectations. And we do this through a military style, overt suppression of the innate knowledge that rears its desperate head time and time again.
In Jean Liedloff's words, ‘A baby's cry is precisely as serious as it sounds.’
Yet in our quest to suppress our biological drive to respond to a crying child, many parents are led to believe that leaving a child to cry to sleep in their room is acceptable practice. We train our bodies to ignore the strong impulse to respond, hug, carry and soothe the child in a desperate attempt to make them ‘efficient’ beyond their years. After all, the parents are probably already enslaved to society through various constraints and expectation, and need the child to harmonise with the busy schedule that is their life, and therefore abandon a baby in limbo, for a time, which could feel like an eternity. The baby, after all, has no concept of ‘be right back’. This has more often than not, become the norm, and we are witnessing a new generation of children that have not had their biological expectations fulfilled.
How has this taken place? In part this has arisen due to the combative response that is experienced by anyone who is tempted to comment on the way women experience pregnancy, birth and parenting. It has become an almost religious like phenomenon for comment or discussion about this area to remain taboo. We are denying ourselves the conversation regarding what could be the key to repairing our profoundly sick society. That is, a conversation about how we raise those people who will be responsible for the future – our children.
It has become commonplace to believe that this is an area for each to navigate on their own accord, at times re-inventing the wheel, and disconnecting entirely from a knowledge that has remained innate and unchanged since the beginning of time. It is an example of feminism extrapolated to a point of absurdity, where in fact true feminism comes from a place of identification with the innate femininity of parenting, and having respect for this. This is a place of power, rather than a place of submission. True feminism is empowerment of women. Men too, are capable of connecting with their own divine feminine and connection to this energy is vital when bonding with their children.
There has been an efficient degradation by society of those roles that have been innately feminine – and parenting is of no exception. This is not meant as a declaration that only females are able to parent young children, of course this is not true, but it has over time been a predominantly feminine role and therefore has had its importance diminished. This suppression is present during every stage of processes that are uniquely feminine. During pregnancy, if we are in the workforce, there is an expectation that we just go on as though nothing has changed; during childbirth a majority have disposed of their own feminine power and knowledge for a system that has been built on strongly patriarchal foundations; and during parenting we are expected to create children who fit around our own schedule. Our society views intrinsically feminine roles as subordinate to those that have been typically masculine. It is time for a readjustment and a return to balance between the feminine and masculine energies.
Fostering a culture of quieting and essentially deadening the power of the divine feminine in the name of feminism has been an insidious and destructive movement, and it is time that parents realise the monumental importance of their role as human creators, and the infinite possibilities for humanity when it is done in a fashion that meets the biological expectations of the child. In the mean time we are raising experimental children, rather than those raised by a model that has existed since time immemorial. We need to question how this contemporary approach is working out for us as a society, and if it is a sustainable model.
Rather than connecting with what we know within to be an eternal truth, we are becoming victim to the suspicion of the intellect and moving away from our intuition. As a result we exist in a society that has confused the simplicity and primal element of parenting. Perhaps parenting can be quite straightforward if we were to respond to our intuition? We can all adopt practices as simple as responding to a crying child, sleeping with them close by, providing an environment for them that doesn’t result in endless tantrums and emotional meltdowns, or placing a newborn in the arms of the mother straight after birth skin-to-skin and allowing the bonding to take place, and watching the baby instinctually move towards the breast to latch on. Perhaps even immediately responding to a child’s emotional needs, giving them the signal that when they ask for help, that they will be heard, or involvement within a society of familiar people who care and take responsibility for the child?
When did we stray so desperately far from those things that are so simple, yet so profound for meeting a child’s biological expectations?
We need to stop, reset our thinking and reflect on the way we are creating the next generation of humans, because in my opinion, there is nothing that I can imagine to be of greater importance than a return to that which remains eternally true – our instinctual and innate knowing of how to raise our children and raising them with the potential to experience happiness as a default emotion rather than that to be continually pursued.
[1] Liedloff, J. The Continuum Concept – In Search of Happiness Lost (Penguin 2004) p 114
Comments